Rule #8: Honesty & Integrity
Don't be a lying, cheating hypocrite, but you don't have to be *totally* honest every time they ask if you want to play.
2012 Original
Teach her honesty and integrity in relationships by demonstrating them in yours.
“Honesty and integrity in relationships” doesn’t mean blind devotion. It means living a life consistent with the values you hold dear, and helping the people you love to live consistent with theirs. Live the integrity you hope she’ll choose for herself.
2017 Update
This sounds like one that would look awesome in a meme, but I’m not sure what it means in practice. I suppose it sounds like the opposite of being a lying, cheating hypocrite, and indeed I try not to be those things, but the “honesty” piece is overrated. A ton of what I consider good parenting involves lying and faking.
“Daddy, do you want to play with me?”
Much of the time, the honest answer is no, that’s not at the top of my “want” list at the moment – even if I’m not “busy”. Sometimes, the answer I give is no, but then there’s other times where I feign enthusiasm and energy I don’t have and play anyway, because I think it’s good for both of us.1 If I'm lucky I end up enjoying myself, but if I made genuine enthusiasm and energy a prerequisite to even start playing, I’d be a dad who hardly ever played with his kids.
Similarly, I may feel calm and patient the first time I tell them to brush their teeth2, but by the twentieth time, I’m faking the emotion of “calm”. If I lose my temper and scream over something like that3, I end up feeling shame and regret, not full of integrity for having expressed what I honestly felt.
In big picture ways, honesty and integrity are great, but when I’m exhausted, bored, impatient, or otherwise having other feelings besides rainbows and pixie dust, I go by the motto of, “Fake it ’til you make it.”
2022 Update
I still don’t know what this rule means, besides looking good as a meme.
I understand the call to model a value-driven life, but like the rule about being handy, this one addresses the parenting landscape from about 10,000 feet, while I mostly fly around 100 ft. or so, trying to tune out warnings of “Pull up! Pull up!” A more applicable meme for my experience of fathering would be like:
I continue to opt out of “honesty in my relationships” when I think that being completely honest would hurt feelings or be outright cruel. They don’t need to know how boring I find some of our conversations. (Nor does my wife.) The value I hope I’m demonstrating is that sometimes we listen because we love, not because we find the topic fascinating. My wife at least reciprocates that, but my daughters still bail if they don’t care what I’m talking about. Don’t blame us for them not picking up on the demonstration. Blame the spectrum.4
Report Card
I’m starting to regret this report card bit with 17 more rules to go. At the 10,000-foot level, I think I live with honesty and integrity, but I don’t think my daughters fly that high yet so I have no idea if it’s had any impact. Closer to the ground, I continue to be lovingly dishonest when I think it’s called for. I’m a taking turns poster boy whether I ever get a turn or not. I occasionally (but not often) lose my temper and shout, but I don’t break stuff in anger, though I’ve felt like it plenty. Let’s call this grade: Incomplete. Integrity is more like a lifelong dissertation project, right?
The older I get, the more I have to feign the “energy” part of the equation, especially if they ask after the sun has set.
or get dressed, or go to the car, or put a dish in the sink, or put something away, or get in the shower, or get out of the shower, or dry themselves off before walking somewhere, or…
…which I can neither confirm nor deny ever happens.
In case you somehow dropped in on this series starting with Rule 8, I have twin daughters on the autism spectrum. You can start at the beginning for more context.
Bonus update
Literally as I was about to hit the “Publish” button on this one, T1 came over and asked me if I wanted to hear something funny. I have other pieces to edit and prepare, but did I say, “Go away, child!”? I did not. I said “Sure” and she told me about a YouTube video that I only understood about 25% of what she said, but it involved a sphere being somehow coincidental. Between you and me, Reader, I did not find it funny, but I felt good about the brief interaction anyway. Now she is pacing nearby, probably contemplating what I would like to talk about next.