Finding Channel 5
Some targets are obvious until the aren't, as Derp the Alien learns in a lesson about human female anatomy.
[Author’s note: Have you ever heard (or asserted) that men can’t find the clitoris? If so, this fictional scene playfully illustrates how “finding it” is not the same as understanding what and where it is.1 This essay is not erotica, but makes abundant use of the words “pussy” and “clitoris”, so if that bothers you, this piece is not for you.]
Derp: Thank you for your orientation, Earthling. I have learned much and now feel prepared for the next phase of my mission: passing as an earthling man. Is there anything else I need to know?
Earthling: You should know how to find “Channel 5”.
D: Channel 5?
E: Do you remember when we went over human anatomy?
D: Yes.
E: Reproductive anatomy?
D: Yes.
E: Female reproductive anatomy?
D: Yes. It was pretty straightforward.
E: You would think so, but it’s more complicated than labelled pictures. When you actually encounter a pussy—
D: Cats live there?!
E: No. I taught you the difference between “vulva” and “vagina”, but a common slang term that encompasses both in a sexual context is “pussy”.
D: I don’t understand.
E: You don’t have to. Do you remember the clitoris?
D: Affirmative. Though serving no direct reproductive purpose itself, it is the part of the feline part of the female anatomy—
E: Pussy.
D: …pussy, from which females—
E: Women.
D: …women, derive physical pleasure during sexual acts. The only externally visible part is the glans, which is the only part most humans know about.
The glans is located where the labia minora come together at the top of the vulva, forming a small bell-shaped structure, analogous to the glans of the man penis, but the urethral opening is lower down, not in the glans like the man.2 It is often covered by a bit of skin called the hood, which can be pulled back to expose the glans. It is very sensitive and engorges when stimulated, becoming larger and firmer. Size varies.
The complete clitoris resembles the structure I flew to Earth in.
E: Very good. You have a solid understanding of how to identify and describe a clitoris. Now you need to learn how to find one.
D: It sounds elementary. Having identified the labia minora, follow to where they meet at the top where the little bell is, which might be obscured by the hood. Would I not find it there?
E: You would, but most of the time when you or your woman partner want you to find her clitoris, she will not be reclined in a well-lit and open position like what you have seen in educational illustrations.
D: But I did the homework. I studied many online repositories of intimate feline content to see that vulvas come in many more configurations than what I learned from diagrams. I saw many clitorises. I am confident I found many.
E: You identified many, but you did not find any. Do you see any women around here who we could ask to present their pussies for a few minutes so you could practice finding clitorises?
…remember what you learned about “metaphors”. None of this is literal.
D: Did you not instruct me that human women almost never consent to expose their reproductive areas to men they don’t know or trust?
E: Correct! That was a test. You passed. Since it’s neither ethical nor practical to set up a field study for you to practice finding clitorises, I will attempt to train you in some of the techniques and challenges using analogous objects. It would be impossible to mistake any of them for actual pussies or clitorises, but remember what you learned about “metaphors”. None of this is literal.
D: I am ready to find my first clitoris!
E: Great enthusiasm, Derp, but hold your horses.
D: Are “horses” the male counterpart of “pussy”?
E: No, it’s just a metaphor meaning “slow down”. Before you go hunting, you have to know what you’re looking for.
D: The glans of the clitoris.
E: Yes, that’s what you want to find, but as I said, we can’t just line up a row of clitorises to practice on. No earthling man can. You’ll be simulating the attempt by finding “channel 5”.
D: I have to spray perfume on it?
E: No, not Chanel #5— channel 5, like on a television.
D: The Netflix machine for when your phone battery is dead! I love watching space movies on Netflix to relax, but “Mars Attacks” was inaccurate and hurtful.
E: It was satire, not a documentary. Some of our younger humans and recent visitors like yourself don’t know or remember, but before streaming, televisions used to show unrecorded content on “channels”; the user had to switch the TV to the channel that had content they wanted to enjoy. If “Seinfeld” was on channel 5, do you know how you would access it?
D: “Alexa, record Seinfeld!”
E: No, you’d use the television remote control to navigate to channel 5.
D: “Alexa, go to channel 5. Play the ‘Master of my Domain’ episode.”
E: I’m glad to see how proficient you’ve gotten with Alexa, but for this exercise, imagine she wanted you to find her channel 5 on your own.
D: Why can’t Alexa help me if it matters to her?
E: She can, and sometimes she will, but sometimes she won’t. You have to be prepared for all contingencies in close encounters of the clit kind.
D: Stop being so cryptic and just show me.
E: Good, now you’re thinking like an earthling man. Let’s begin.
D: I thought we already started!
E: On the table before us, I have spread out an assortment of television remote controls. Each is unique compared to the others in layout and functions represented by buttons, but all include a block of numbered buttons, 0-9, which can be used to select the desired channel on the tv they correspond to.
Of course, it’s right there. Are you suggesting someone could actually miss something so obvious?
D: Is that why you also mounted a bunch of different televisions on the walls of this room? Where are we, anyway?
E: Yes, each of those TVs corresponds to one of those remotes. Choose a remote.
D: This one feels like a good fit in my hand.
E: Good. All remotes feel good in their own way, so it’s hard to go wrong. If you want to select a channel, you press the corresponding numbered button or buttons. Can you find channel 5 on the remote you chose?
D: Of course, it’s right there. Are you suggesting someone could actually miss something so obvious?
E: You are only seeing it. Now find it.
D: There, I pressed it.
E: Do you see any of the TVs on channel 5 yet?
D: No…
E: What do you think went wrong?
D: I forgot to turn on the TV first!
E: Exactly. In this exercise, that only means learning and using one other button, the “power” button, but it’s more complex with real women. However you do it, you have to turn her on before you activate channel 5. Try again.
D: There, it’s on. I’m pressing 5 and nothing is happening. Is this one of those trick puzzles I can’t possibly solve? Do you want me to fail?
E: No, I’m your ally. On some remotes, but not all of them, you have to use “Enter” after you press the number, or it won’t respond. Turn it back off, and try again from the beginning.
D: Okay, power…channel…enter. Done.
E: That’s channel 6.
D: Oh come on, isn’t that close enough? I was just a little off and pressed the button next to it by mistake.
E: Channel 6 might have good content, too, but the content Alexa wanted was on channel 5. Again.
D: There, I did it. I found channel 5 for you, are you happy now?
E: It’s not for me, it’s for “Alexa”. When you get it right, it’s for yourself, too. There’s more. See that bed over there? Take your remote over to it.
D: Where did that bed come fr—
It’s a lot harder when I can’t see the button on a remote I’ve never handled before.
E: Lie down and get under the covers. Put your remote next to you under the soft comforter about waist high, then bring your hands back on top. Good. What did you find hurtful about Mars Attacks?
D: Well you’ve known me for a while now. Do I seem that ugly or violent to you? It’s a stereotype that all aliens—
E: Find channel 5!
D: Wha— I— …there!
E: Your response time was 7 seconds, you muted the tv, and it’s on channel 2. What went wrong?
D: It’s a lot harder when I can’t see the button on a remote I’ve never handled before. I had to get my digits oriented relative to the other buttons, the comforter confused the sensations some, and I got anxious when you made it sound like I had to do it fast and then tickled my tentacle. In retrospect, I should have held my horse. If Alexa knows how to get to channel 5, why doesn’t she take us there herself or assist me in finding the button when it’s hidden?
E. Only Alexa knows. Do you still know how to find channel 5?
D: Of course, it’s obvious and I’m not dumb, but when you mix in all those complications and Alexa isn’t helping—
E: Now it’s time to practice on Siri, whose remote is shaped different, covered in fur, still under the blanket, and wiggling around while she tickles your tentacle. Instead of going straight to channel 5, she prefers you to surf the nearby channels until she feels completely ready for channel 5. You’re doing fine, but we have a lot of remotes to get through.
THE END
You’ve probably heard it or said it offline, too. It’s so common I figure there must be some kernel of truth to it, but it never made much sense to me. I never found the clit mysterious, but even if a lot of men do, I’ve witnessed women being equally clueless about their own anatomy, so vulvar ignorance is not just a guy problem. It strikes me as more of a convenient way to male-bash than a true reflection of how inept men are as lovers. Maybe I’ll write a straight-up essay about that another time, but here, I went for expressing it with more levity.
I had a relationship with an intelligent 30-yr. old woman who insisted to me that a woman’s urethral opening was through the clit, analogous to a man’s anatomy. She didn't believe my correction until I showed her pictures, because you know, women always know more about their parts than men do.